There You Are!

“Well, there you are!”

I’ve said it a few times in my life with a lot of meaning behind the words.

What does it mean? It means “I’ve dreamed of you!”. “I’ve been waiting for you!” “Here! You finally are!”

I’m not a really deep thinker. I’m not a scholar. I’m a nice person. Perhaps, one of my greatest gifts is that I listen to myself. I pay attention to my feelings. If you creep me out……there is a reason for it. If, I identify you as a mean selfish person…….well, I don’t give many second chances.

Because, I’ve spent a lifetime fine tuning my feelings.

I dream a lot. I’ve been to heaven many times. How do I identify heaven? It’s not the overly bright colors. It’s not the peace and the calm. It’s not the lost loved ones that reside there now.

I identify heaven easily………because, that’s where I started. It’s where you started. If, you could only remember.

You might think it’s a lot of hoo haw. That’s alright. I don’t expect this bit of writing to identify with more than one or two people. I don’t write just for you. I write for myself. Selfish? Well, good for me.

I believe I started in heaven. I had a choice. To stay there and learn lessons slowly………or to come back to earth ………and learn fast, and hard, and messy, and painful, and glorious……….and find love that explodes like rockets but lingers forever.

I chose the latter.

I wanted adventure.

I wanted love.

I knew love entailed pain and loss……..but,I chose it anyways.

I chose my own parents. I saw them. I loved their faces. I heard their prayers. They wanted a daughter. The litany of particulars was passed on to me. I smiled and thought………well, I can’t be all those things.

But, I will do my best.

I did my best.

My mother once confided in me when I was very young. “We had two boys. I would have given birth every year…..until, I had a daughter. I lit candles. I prayed. I told God exactly what I wanted. And, then there you were. Your father said you were sent from heaven. I don’t know about that. I don’t expect you to be perfect. But, you’re perfect for me. I’ve told you this since you were a baby. And, when you were three and heard it again? You said to me……………here I am. And, there you are.”

“You were only three years old………..you put your hands to my face and said……….”Here I am. I heard you. And, there you are.”

Don’t ever think lighting a candle and saying a prayer is a waste of time.

I met my husband when I was very young. I had decided the dating thing………..all men were a big fat waste of time. As far as I was concerned………I would be satisfied with a career…..a good set of girlfriends …..and a big pepperoni pizza every Friday night……that was enough for me.

I was twenty years old. And, there he was. Saying the wrong thing. But, still I listened………because, heaven wasn’t that far away.

I looked at him and said “Well, there you are!” And, that was 44 years ago.

I have two children. A daughter and a son…..they came in that order. I think they chose us. They are so different. But, after many years of parenting……….we are the right parents for both of them.

I have a best friend. Life isn’t complete without a best friend. If you don’t have one? Light a candle and ask for one. We all deserve a best friend.

I met her at an audition. I took one look and thought she must be a friend of my daughter’s. She was very youthful. She wasn’t as young as she looked. I was drawn to her. I visited her at her place of employment. I didn’t become a bother……or a creep……but, I persevered.

Because, after one look at her……….I heard “Well, there you are!” in my head. Twenty five years of lifting each other up………..I’m thinking I got that one right.

We’ve lived through some dark and scary days during the past few years. I don’t work anymore. I stay up late. I sleep late. My dreams are continuous. They aren’t exhausting but they can be tiring. Those that are gone and those I haven’t met yet visit me.

I’m not young anymore. I don’t expect to live forever. I don’t expect oblivion when I shut my eyes on this world.

I expect some people will miss me.

I expect to go home.

Some days I think I’ll just stay there.

But, I know myself.

I will hear a voice. They’ll be asking for me. A wonderful person will ask for someone that I know I can be.

And, yet again.

I will say “There you are!”