I had a flip phone for many years. Five people knew the number. When that phone would ring…………..I’d flip it open and say “What’s the matter?”
Yup, I’m not a phone person.
My husband and I planned a trip to the city of Portland, Oregon. We were going to spend the week before Christmas visiting our daughter and her husband. And, the cherry on top…………we were going to see our girl play Mary Poppins.
I was on the phone………….the old landline…………with my daughter a few weeks before our departure.
I told my daughter on the other side of the country……………….”I can’t wait to see you fly! Three times a show! I can not wait!”
Her reply was unexpected. I guess she’s used to flying strapped to a harness and wires.
“You know what I can’t wait for, Ma? I can’t wait for you to get a smart phone. Please, please, you can not get around Portland without GPS. Get a phone now. Learn how to use it, at least the GPS………….or you are going to spend a whole week being lost. That will make Daddy a nervous wreck. Please, please?” she begged.
Harumph………….I thought.
I promised her that I would think about it.
And, then………….my digital camera helped me make up my mind. I went to take a photo of our Christmas tree and the thing died on me. New batteries didn’t help. Smacking it with my hand didn’t help. Swearing at it didn’t help.
I know these new fangled phones have cameras in them.
I wanted photos of Mary Poppins meeting and greeting in the theater lobby.
I think the phone may be smarter than I am. But, I can talk to it. “Hey, Google!” I say. The phone says “How can I help you?” in return. I asked it all kinds of questions. Some were pretty silly. The phone never laughed at me. It tried to help.
“You learn.” my husband said. “It’s your job to find our way around Portland.”
I did my best. I set up voicemail. Now, you can leave a message when I don’t want to talk to you. I taught myself to text message. Now, you can ignore me back. I took a few terrific photos of my own foot. I moved on to taking photos of my Christmas decorations.
I had some Christmas shopping to finish before getting on that plane. I sat in my car and asked the phone to give me directions to Kohls. I didn’t need directions to Kohls………..I needed practice with the GPS.
The phone took me to Kohls. It even used the back road short cuts I usually take to avoid lights. I parked the car a few hundred feet from the store entrance. The phone told me I had arrived. It even asked me if I was planning on walking from here.
I replied, “No, why don’t you give me a piggy back ride.”
The phone ignored me. I guess it ignores really stupid comments from the person holding it.
The phone knew where it was. It offered me a lay out of the store. It offered me coupons that I already had in my purse. I shut off the phone so it would let me shop in peace.
I practiced with the GPS to get home. The phone welcomed me home with a pretty picture of my house when I pulled into the garage.
I thought I had enough practice with GPS…………….oh, silly me.
That phone got us from the PDX airport to our rented bungalow. It got us to our daughter’s apartment.
And, then I asked it to get us to a downtown restaurant to meet our son in law, his sister and parents. Lunch was going to be a quick one as two of these people only have an hour for catching up and eating. Then back to work for them.
I was told there was a parking garage right across the street from the busy restaurant. Oh, there was………. only, it had a “Temporarily Full” sign blocking the entrance.
Now, my husband was perturbed. He doesn’t like being “lost”. He likes to know where he is at all times.
“Find me a place to park.” he barked as he drove by where we wanted to be.
So, I did. I took him to a parking garage a few blocks away. I didn’t tell him………..at the time he was in a bit of a mood…………..but he sailed right past a few open parking spaces on the street. There are reasons why I’m still married after 40 years. Knowing when to shut up is one of them.
We parked the car after driving in circles down into the bowels of the earth. We had ten minutes to make it on time as we got into an elevator.
“Find the restaurant, Google!” he yelled in the elevator.
I asked the phone the same thing…………….except, I don’t think I cancelled our search for a parking garage first. The phone had us walk in a big downtown square.
We ended up at the front of the parking garage again.
My husband had a few choice words. I think they were directed at the phone and not me. I’m not sure.
Now, this man had my nerves so shot I don’t think I could have typed into that phone. I decided to do it the old fashioned way.
“Follow me!” I said with more confidence than I was actually feeling. I headed back the way I knew the restaurant was. I stopped us on the street when I recognized the name. I stopped a very pretty girl. She was rolling a computer chair down the sidewalk for some reason.
Seating must be very hard to find in these fancy restaurants I thought.
The Santa hat on her head told me she was in a good mood and thus approachable.
I told her the name of the restaurant. She waved us down the street. “About four blocks on the right. Merry Christmas!” she said.
My husband jutted out his chin and walked faster. He’s not the type to keep people waiting. I slowed us down as he was perhaps willing to bump into people to get to his destination on time.
I looked around at the glittering city sidewalks. The gloriously decorated store fronts. And, the lamp posts. Victorian in design…………….and each one was decorated with a banner.
I grabbed my husband by the shoulder.
“Breathe deep. We’re almost there. We’re not late. We’re not lost.” I told him. “Take a look around. Enjoy!”
He rolled his eyes at me a bit. He looked around. He controlled his breathing from lost to I know where I am tempo. He saw the big Christmas tree. “Nice.” he said.
I tapped him on the shoulder again. I swept my arm in an upward direction.
That’s when he noticed that every other lamp post had a banner. Banners depicting our own daughter……………advertising the show that we had come so far to see.
That phone is almost as smart as me.
growinguponcolumbusstreet 